TOI, Patna October 12, 2008
Love rules
There are rules and there are rules,
but they can end up stifling a relationship,
says Anuradha Varma.
but they can end up stifling a relationship,
says Anuradha Varma.
WHILE the first flush of love begins with rose-tinted glasses, coupledom can be an eye-opener. Faultiness begin to appear.
When German blogger Barbara Skoda married, the priest gave her a one-line lesson in happy matrimony: "Never say shut up to each other!" This means, "Listen to what the other person has to say, even if you don’t want to," says Skoda.
Once the blinkers are off, do rules help to negotiate the relationship? In a radio call-in show, one girl talked about how her boyfriend insisted she ate an apple a day or their impending wedding would be put off by a further three days with each transgression! Another woman talked about how she and her husband never took a fight to bed.
Skoda expands on the marital code of conduct, "I’ve been happily married for eight years now. We don’t have black and white rules but what makes our marriage work is a basic frame that we don’t cross. In decisions, we think about the other’s feelings." Maturity and mutual respect are key words here. Software engineer Manoj Jain, 27, agrees that relationships need a healthy dose of maturity. And, no egos, please! Don’t let resentment or egos back you nto a corner so that you can’t say sorry. Says Dalvinder Jeet Kaur, 29, "It’s all about how responsible you feel for each other. Rules are not really important. The best way to smooth over a rough spot is to apologise if you’re in the wrong; there should be no egos."
Says V Sarada, "My husband Anant and I know, from the bottom of our hearts, that we’re made for each other. When we argue about a point, we thrash out each bit. But we do clear the air and give that loving hug to each other before going to bed."
"Rules become important to a relationship only when there is insecurity and a wee bit of distrust among the partners," she adds. She agrees, however, that space is important in a relationship. And, more importantly, reminding yourself to give the other person breathing space.
Relationships are fragile, and held too tightly, they can crack. The element of spontaneity, which brings the fun element into a romantic liaison, also takes a beating. "Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost," says 27 year old S. Jayalakshmi.
Whatever you do, don’t make it an ‘I’ versus ‘You’ battle and follow the three Cs – Caring, commitment and communication. Don’t be aloof and indifferent towards your partner or adopt a ‘lifestyle choice’ which he or she is uncomfortable with. "When a rule emerges out of the need to control the other rather than out of concern, there’s trouble," says psychotherapist Minnu R Bhonsle. Such rules can stifle intimacy. "The controller is more like an authoritarian parent issuing dictates to an errant child. This makes it hard to have a relationship of equals where all issues are negotiated in a win-win way."
When German blogger Barbara Skoda married, the priest gave her a one-line lesson in happy matrimony: "Never say shut up to each other!" This means, "Listen to what the other person has to say, even if you don’t want to," says Skoda.
Once the blinkers are off, do rules help to negotiate the relationship? In a radio call-in show, one girl talked about how her boyfriend insisted she ate an apple a day or their impending wedding would be put off by a further three days with each transgression! Another woman talked about how she and her husband never took a fight to bed.
Skoda expands on the marital code of conduct, "I’ve been happily married for eight years now. We don’t have black and white rules but what makes our marriage work is a basic frame that we don’t cross. In decisions, we think about the other’s feelings." Maturity and mutual respect are key words here. Software engineer Manoj Jain, 27, agrees that relationships need a healthy dose of maturity. And, no egos, please! Don’t let resentment or egos back you nto a corner so that you can’t say sorry. Says Dalvinder Jeet Kaur, 29, "It’s all about how responsible you feel for each other. Rules are not really important. The best way to smooth over a rough spot is to apologise if you’re in the wrong; there should be no egos."
Says V Sarada, "My husband Anant and I know, from the bottom of our hearts, that we’re made for each other. When we argue about a point, we thrash out each bit. But we do clear the air and give that loving hug to each other before going to bed."
"Rules become important to a relationship only when there is insecurity and a wee bit of distrust among the partners," she adds. She agrees, however, that space is important in a relationship. And, more importantly, reminding yourself to give the other person breathing space.
Relationships are fragile, and held too tightly, they can crack. The element of spontaneity, which brings the fun element into a romantic liaison, also takes a beating. "Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost," says 27 year old S. Jayalakshmi.
Whatever you do, don’t make it an ‘I’ versus ‘You’ battle and follow the three Cs – Caring, commitment and communication. Don’t be aloof and indifferent towards your partner or adopt a ‘lifestyle choice’ which he or she is uncomfortable with. "When a rule emerges out of the need to control the other rather than out of concern, there’s trouble," says psychotherapist Minnu R Bhonsle. Such rules can stifle intimacy. "The controller is more like an authoritarian parent issuing dictates to an errant child. This makes it hard to have a relationship of equals where all issues are negotiated in a win-win way."
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