HT, Patna 10-02-09
Why kissing makes you feel good
London, February 9
A PASSIONATE Lip-lock unleashes a chain of chemical changes that really turn your head, says a new study.
As Valentine's Day approaches. Wendy Hill, professor of psychology at Lafayette College, Pennsylvania, has shed light on that most basic of all human expressions of love – the kiss.
In her study, Hill found that a meeting of lips can spark a complex chemical surge into the brain that makes a lover feel excited, happy or relaxed.
Also, it is being speculated that the hormone release may be triggered directly by an exchange of sexually stimulating pheromones in the saliva.
"This study shows kissing is much more complex, and causes hormonal changes and things we never thought occurred," The Times quoted her as saying. "We tend to think more about who we are kissing and how it feels, yet there are a lot of other things happening," she added.
To reach the conclusion, her team looked at the impact of kissing on levels of two hormones, oxytocin and cortisol, in 15 male-female couples before and after holding hands and before and after kissing.
Oxytocin is known to be involved in social bonding so the team predicted its levels would rise, while cortisol, a stress hormone, would fall. Cortisol levels fell in both sexes, although oxytocin levels rose in men but fell in women.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Lust for Life
TOI, Patna 16.01.09
Lust For Life
Researchers from the University of Sheffield recently discovered that getting a second wife is a sure shot way to a longer life. Keeping socio-economic differences in mind, it has been observed that men over 60 from 140 countries who practice polygamy live, on average, 12 percent longer than men hailing from monogamous nations. Fathering more kids with more wives leads to increased male longevity. So to live long, do men need to turn into baby-boomers? A look into humanity’s past and present might suggest that more cultures have practiced consensual non-monogamy than monogamy. The Bible did not condemn polygamy. Old Testament and Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy. There is Quaranic sanction for polygamy. Polygamy and polyandry were prevalent in ancient India; many Hindu gods and kings are also depicted as polygamous, with two or more wives. The received notion is that polygamy comes most naturally to men. Where polygamy is allowed, it is almost always polygyny (one man with many wives) and almost never polyandry (one woman with many husbands). But interestingly, Tim Birkhead, an expert in behavioural ecology, writes in his book ‘Promiscuity’ that in the majority of species across the animal kingdom, the general pattern is for females to copulate with more than one male. Then why must Homo sapiens be left behind?
Sexual infidelity is one of humanity’s great obsessions, perhaps second only to violence. Perhaps for humans, monogamy does not come naturally, and biology ‘predisposes’ us to seek multiple sex partners. Zoologist David Barash and psychiatrist Judith Eve Lipton argue that virtually all animals are far from being 100 per cent monogamous 100 percent of the time. Then, are we all programmed to live long? Living long is fine but the only rub is that broken marriages are fast becoming more a norm than an aberration and there are many men who would rather court the life of a monk than tie the knot again. For them, the idea of taking a second wife is re-invocation to the hellfire they’ve escaped. Perhaps the study should have taken note of the mortality records of people who increasingly beat around the bush of a monogamous marriage and run into extramarital affairs.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
When threesomes work
TOI, Patna OCTOBER, 12,2008 Sunday
When threesomes work
You would be surprised how many couples around you
are either into or seriously considering open marriages.
Sreemoyee Piu kundu talks to some couples
who have accepted other people into their marital lives.
are either into or seriously considering open marriages.
Sreemoyee Piu kundu talks to some couples
who have accepted other people into their marital lives.
WE are the original childhood sweethearts and the quintessential ‘in love’ couple – a poster almost for a ‘perfectly happy’ marital union. Our marriage was filled with intimate moments, memorable holidays, professional success, and of course, the occasional door slamming. Three years ago, my husband returned from one of his overseas trips and confessed to having been physically intimate with one of his female colleagues. Initially, I was shattered. We talked for hours about why he was tempted to cross the line and I realized he wasn’t just sleeping around. He was tired of the monotony in our marriage. I too felt the lacuna. After prolonged discussions on the boundaries of our marriage, we invited Tara home one evening. She brought her husband along and the conversation veered towards our sexual needs. We were all dealing with limp marriages that had weathered many storms, but offered nothing new. The evening culminated in the bedroom, which is where we spent many passionate encounters thereafter, stroking each others’ deepest intimacies," confesses Supriya Sen, a 35-year old advertising professional.
Her marriage, Supriya claims, is a "mutually agreeable, open contract where the presence of a third party is considered unobtrusive, rather spicing up their marital ties."
But, she’s not the only one inhabiting a twilight zone. Shikha Gupta, a 42-year old layer, says she and her 45 years old partner Pralay have been in the throes of an ‘open marriage’. "Pralay’s business partner was spending the night at our home one weekend when he was out of town. He accidentally ended up watching a sex video which we’d recorded. Vikas told me later that he was mighty turned on and it gave him the confidence to take a chance with me," adds Shikha, whose year long romp continues with her spouse’s full consent. "He joins us sometimes and the threesome is wild. We indulge in role play and it’s steamier than you imagine. We often take holidays together and I can sense people react with surprise seeing three of us check into the same room. Someone asked me ‘Is he your brother in law?’ I smiled. I feel quite guilt free as my husband is fully aware of my sexual needs and having someone else fulfill them occasionally adds to the element of variety," comes her daring stand.
In a frenzied urban reality aggravated with high pressure professions, high speed lifestyle choices and a gnawing sense of loneliness – does injecting strangers into a space hitherto worshipped as sacred, augment the marital libido? "An open marriage is an alliance where couples don’t nurture any reservations about seeking sexual gratification outside their marriage. Here, the spouses share a transparent relationship," explains psychologist seema Hingorrany.
But, in a country burgeoned with a prevalent middle-class morality, is this an indication of rising moral erosion? A recent poll conducted on Times of India.com attempted to judge the moral overtone of an open marriage. While 43 percent of the readers claimed such marriages worked, 57 percent felt they broke down. Amol from Canada adds, "I’ve seen open liaisons work here in Canada for more than a decade. These marriages are officially recognized as ‘Common Law Partnerships’.’
"Where’s the question of morality when both partners are voluntarily experimenting? In fact, lots of couples discover new meaning in the presence of a third or fourth party," says psychologist Dr Sanjay Chugh. "My husband was impotent for the past five years and I constantly blamed my weight issues and sexual reservations for his lost libido. Then, a young painter Partho, who I met at an art gallery through a common friend, handed me a book – the 1972 best-seller Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, authored by Nena and George O’Neill. It defines open marriages as a system designed to give partners space to grow as individuals first.
Partho introduced me to an orgy held in a farm house in Gurgaon. I accompanied him alone on the first night and it acted as an eye-opener. I revealed the facts to my husband, who I felt was suffering along. The next weekend we went along with Partho who by then was my clandestine lover. Today, Rakesh (my husband) has regained his sexual prowess, thanks to our weekend sexual experimentations," says a 43-year-old, mother of two, Sapna while adding, "My kids have started noticing we’re more intimate now and yes, when my morally stern friends chastise me for instigating my husband to philandering I know somewhere they are jealous of our revived sex life. Today, we have sex with each other four nights a week – isn’t that exciting after decades of longing?"
"My marriage ended after five years of us indulging in weekend orgies with like-minded couples, after responding to newspaper ads of ‘lonely adults’. It got bad when the sexual rewards sought their emotional quotient. We got drawn towards different people. What started out as an adventure catapulted into a wreckage involving children, alimony and public scandal," confesses Neeru Kapoor, a 36-year-old BPO manager.
Renowned sex expert Dr. Prakash Kothari adds, "Once I consulted a group of couples from Surat who played a game called ghatakanchuki. All the women put their blouses into a pot and the man removing it slept with them. Actually, the laws of divorce are only 5,000 years old. There was no marriage system in India earlier. Anyone could sleep with anybody they desired to. In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm. Look at the Himalayan Garhwali tribe, the Garo and Khasi tribes of the North East or the Bastar tribes of Madhya Pradesh! Arousal is fine, but there’s always sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS or herpes to beware of."
Climbing out of their comfort closet, couples are rewriting marriage vows. Jeet, from Baroda, has the final say. "If the relationship is open, doesn’t affect prior responsibilities and is conducted with honesty, no hearts are shattered." But in the dark depths of the human mind is anyone listening?
Her marriage, Supriya claims, is a "mutually agreeable, open contract where the presence of a third party is considered unobtrusive, rather spicing up their marital ties."
But, she’s not the only one inhabiting a twilight zone. Shikha Gupta, a 42-year old layer, says she and her 45 years old partner Pralay have been in the throes of an ‘open marriage’. "Pralay’s business partner was spending the night at our home one weekend when he was out of town. He accidentally ended up watching a sex video which we’d recorded. Vikas told me later that he was mighty turned on and it gave him the confidence to take a chance with me," adds Shikha, whose year long romp continues with her spouse’s full consent. "He joins us sometimes and the threesome is wild. We indulge in role play and it’s steamier than you imagine. We often take holidays together and I can sense people react with surprise seeing three of us check into the same room. Someone asked me ‘Is he your brother in law?’ I smiled. I feel quite guilt free as my husband is fully aware of my sexual needs and having someone else fulfill them occasionally adds to the element of variety," comes her daring stand.
In a frenzied urban reality aggravated with high pressure professions, high speed lifestyle choices and a gnawing sense of loneliness – does injecting strangers into a space hitherto worshipped as sacred, augment the marital libido? "An open marriage is an alliance where couples don’t nurture any reservations about seeking sexual gratification outside their marriage. Here, the spouses share a transparent relationship," explains psychologist seema Hingorrany.
But, in a country burgeoned with a prevalent middle-class morality, is this an indication of rising moral erosion? A recent poll conducted on Times of India.com attempted to judge the moral overtone of an open marriage. While 43 percent of the readers claimed such marriages worked, 57 percent felt they broke down. Amol from Canada adds, "I’ve seen open liaisons work here in Canada for more than a decade. These marriages are officially recognized as ‘Common Law Partnerships’.’
"Where’s the question of morality when both partners are voluntarily experimenting? In fact, lots of couples discover new meaning in the presence of a third or fourth party," says psychologist Dr Sanjay Chugh. "My husband was impotent for the past five years and I constantly blamed my weight issues and sexual reservations for his lost libido. Then, a young painter Partho, who I met at an art gallery through a common friend, handed me a book – the 1972 best-seller Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, authored by Nena and George O’Neill. It defines open marriages as a system designed to give partners space to grow as individuals first.
Partho introduced me to an orgy held in a farm house in Gurgaon. I accompanied him alone on the first night and it acted as an eye-opener. I revealed the facts to my husband, who I felt was suffering along. The next weekend we went along with Partho who by then was my clandestine lover. Today, Rakesh (my husband) has regained his sexual prowess, thanks to our weekend sexual experimentations," says a 43-year-old, mother of two, Sapna while adding, "My kids have started noticing we’re more intimate now and yes, when my morally stern friends chastise me for instigating my husband to philandering I know somewhere they are jealous of our revived sex life. Today, we have sex with each other four nights a week – isn’t that exciting after decades of longing?"
"My marriage ended after five years of us indulging in weekend orgies with like-minded couples, after responding to newspaper ads of ‘lonely adults’. It got bad when the sexual rewards sought their emotional quotient. We got drawn towards different people. What started out as an adventure catapulted into a wreckage involving children, alimony and public scandal," confesses Neeru Kapoor, a 36-year-old BPO manager.
Renowned sex expert Dr. Prakash Kothari adds, "Once I consulted a group of couples from Surat who played a game called ghatakanchuki. All the women put their blouses into a pot and the man removing it slept with them. Actually, the laws of divorce are only 5,000 years old. There was no marriage system in India earlier. Anyone could sleep with anybody they desired to. In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm. Look at the Himalayan Garhwali tribe, the Garo and Khasi tribes of the North East or the Bastar tribes of Madhya Pradesh! Arousal is fine, but there’s always sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS or herpes to beware of."
Climbing out of their comfort closet, couples are rewriting marriage vows. Jeet, from Baroda, has the final say. "If the relationship is open, doesn’t affect prior responsibilities and is conducted with honesty, no hearts are shattered." But in the dark depths of the human mind is anyone listening?
Love rules
TOI, Patna October 12, 2008
Love rules
There are rules and there are rules,
but they can end up stifling a relationship,
says Anuradha Varma.
but they can end up stifling a relationship,
says Anuradha Varma.
WHILE the first flush of love begins with rose-tinted glasses, coupledom can be an eye-opener. Faultiness begin to appear.
When German blogger Barbara Skoda married, the priest gave her a one-line lesson in happy matrimony: "Never say shut up to each other!" This means, "Listen to what the other person has to say, even if you don’t want to," says Skoda.
Once the blinkers are off, do rules help to negotiate the relationship? In a radio call-in show, one girl talked about how her boyfriend insisted she ate an apple a day or their impending wedding would be put off by a further three days with each transgression! Another woman talked about how she and her husband never took a fight to bed.
Skoda expands on the marital code of conduct, "I’ve been happily married for eight years now. We don’t have black and white rules but what makes our marriage work is a basic frame that we don’t cross. In decisions, we think about the other’s feelings." Maturity and mutual respect are key words here. Software engineer Manoj Jain, 27, agrees that relationships need a healthy dose of maturity. And, no egos, please! Don’t let resentment or egos back you nto a corner so that you can’t say sorry. Says Dalvinder Jeet Kaur, 29, "It’s all about how responsible you feel for each other. Rules are not really important. The best way to smooth over a rough spot is to apologise if you’re in the wrong; there should be no egos."
Says V Sarada, "My husband Anant and I know, from the bottom of our hearts, that we’re made for each other. When we argue about a point, we thrash out each bit. But we do clear the air and give that loving hug to each other before going to bed."
"Rules become important to a relationship only when there is insecurity and a wee bit of distrust among the partners," she adds. She agrees, however, that space is important in a relationship. And, more importantly, reminding yourself to give the other person breathing space.
Relationships are fragile, and held too tightly, they can crack. The element of spontaneity, which brings the fun element into a romantic liaison, also takes a beating. "Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost," says 27 year old S. Jayalakshmi.
Whatever you do, don’t make it an ‘I’ versus ‘You’ battle and follow the three Cs – Caring, commitment and communication. Don’t be aloof and indifferent towards your partner or adopt a ‘lifestyle choice’ which he or she is uncomfortable with. "When a rule emerges out of the need to control the other rather than out of concern, there’s trouble," says psychotherapist Minnu R Bhonsle. Such rules can stifle intimacy. "The controller is more like an authoritarian parent issuing dictates to an errant child. This makes it hard to have a relationship of equals where all issues are negotiated in a win-win way."
When German blogger Barbara Skoda married, the priest gave her a one-line lesson in happy matrimony: "Never say shut up to each other!" This means, "Listen to what the other person has to say, even if you don’t want to," says Skoda.
Once the blinkers are off, do rules help to negotiate the relationship? In a radio call-in show, one girl talked about how her boyfriend insisted she ate an apple a day or their impending wedding would be put off by a further three days with each transgression! Another woman talked about how she and her husband never took a fight to bed.
Skoda expands on the marital code of conduct, "I’ve been happily married for eight years now. We don’t have black and white rules but what makes our marriage work is a basic frame that we don’t cross. In decisions, we think about the other’s feelings." Maturity and mutual respect are key words here. Software engineer Manoj Jain, 27, agrees that relationships need a healthy dose of maturity. And, no egos, please! Don’t let resentment or egos back you nto a corner so that you can’t say sorry. Says Dalvinder Jeet Kaur, 29, "It’s all about how responsible you feel for each other. Rules are not really important. The best way to smooth over a rough spot is to apologise if you’re in the wrong; there should be no egos."
Says V Sarada, "My husband Anant and I know, from the bottom of our hearts, that we’re made for each other. When we argue about a point, we thrash out each bit. But we do clear the air and give that loving hug to each other before going to bed."
"Rules become important to a relationship only when there is insecurity and a wee bit of distrust among the partners," she adds. She agrees, however, that space is important in a relationship. And, more importantly, reminding yourself to give the other person breathing space.
Relationships are fragile, and held too tightly, they can crack. The element of spontaneity, which brings the fun element into a romantic liaison, also takes a beating. "Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost," says 27 year old S. Jayalakshmi.
Whatever you do, don’t make it an ‘I’ versus ‘You’ battle and follow the three Cs – Caring, commitment and communication. Don’t be aloof and indifferent towards your partner or adopt a ‘lifestyle choice’ which he or she is uncomfortable with. "When a rule emerges out of the need to control the other rather than out of concern, there’s trouble," says psychotherapist Minnu R Bhonsle. Such rules can stifle intimacy. "The controller is more like an authoritarian parent issuing dictates to an errant child. This makes it hard to have a relationship of equals where all issues are negotiated in a win-win way."
Four hugs a day keep marriage bugs away.
HT, Patna Oct 3, 08
Four hugs a day keep marriage bugs away.
MORE OVER, expensive gifts. The secret to a happy marriage is priceless – just four hugs a day, says a new study.
According to the study, spending at least 22 periods of "quality time" with your spouse every month, such as going for a short stroll or sharing a romantic dinner, are also key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Researchers have based their findings on a poll of 4,000 couples who were asked to describe themselves as "happy" or "very happy" to estimate how much time they spend together in an effort to work out the secret of their success.
Analysis of their responses revealed that the couples looking for happiness should spend at least seven evenings together every month with two proper dinner dates. The Daily Telegraph reported.
Other important elements included two romantic walks a month and at least one visit to a pub or theatre without the children or other friends, the study found.
Educational psychologists Ludwig Lowenstein said: ‘Affection, cuddles and romantic gestures are part of a whole romantic scene desired by those entering a relationship.
"We tent to forget the importance of hugs when familiarity becomes part of our lives, and as the saying goes ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. PTI
According to the study, spending at least 22 periods of "quality time" with your spouse every month, such as going for a short stroll or sharing a romantic dinner, are also key to maintaining a healthy relationship.
Researchers have based their findings on a poll of 4,000 couples who were asked to describe themselves as "happy" or "very happy" to estimate how much time they spend together in an effort to work out the secret of their success.
Analysis of their responses revealed that the couples looking for happiness should spend at least seven evenings together every month with two proper dinner dates. The Daily Telegraph reported.
Other important elements included two romantic walks a month and at least one visit to a pub or theatre without the children or other friends, the study found.
Educational psychologists Ludwig Lowenstein said: ‘Affection, cuddles and romantic gestures are part of a whole romantic scene desired by those entering a relationship.
"We tent to forget the importance of hugs when familiarity becomes part of our lives, and as the saying goes ‘familiarity breeds contempt’. PTI
Beware! Extra-marital affair can kill you.
HT, Patna Oct 3, 08
Beware! Extra-marital affair can kill you.
MEN, BEWARE! An extra-marital affair can do more than just killing your marriage – it could kill you, too particularly if you are prone to bad headaches.
Researchers have found that the strain of juggling married life and a secret lover leads to stress and tension for the cheating partner, which can lead to migraine pain that could cause ballooning in a blood vessel in the brain.
In their study, the researchers studied hundreds of patients across Italy who reported migraines and found that some of the worst affected were having affairs.
"What we found is that it was mostly men who suffered worst from this phenomenon, which is all to do with stress and hypertension (high blood pressure).
"It would appear that men have a more severe feeling of guilt when cheating which leads to increased stress and tension," lead researcher Lorenzo Pinessi was quoted by the Daily Mail as saying
According to Pinessi, the President of the Italian Migraine Society, those who had headaches were more likely to develop migraines, and a small percentage went on to suffer fatal aneurysm. His advice for frazzled adulterers was to "take a time-out from the affair and have a brain scan."
And, according to him, headache prone cheats should "avoid the Karma Sutra and stick to simple sexual intercourse" to limit pressure on the heart. PTI
Researchers have found that the strain of juggling married life and a secret lover leads to stress and tension for the cheating partner, which can lead to migraine pain that could cause ballooning in a blood vessel in the brain.
In their study, the researchers studied hundreds of patients across Italy who reported migraines and found that some of the worst affected were having affairs.
"What we found is that it was mostly men who suffered worst from this phenomenon, which is all to do with stress and hypertension (high blood pressure).
"It would appear that men have a more severe feeling of guilt when cheating which leads to increased stress and tension," lead researcher Lorenzo Pinessi was quoted by the Daily Mail as saying
According to Pinessi, the President of the Italian Migraine Society, those who had headaches were more likely to develop migraines, and a small percentage went on to suffer fatal aneurysm. His advice for frazzled adulterers was to "take a time-out from the affair and have a brain scan."
And, according to him, headache prone cheats should "avoid the Karma Sutra and stick to simple sexual intercourse" to limit pressure on the heart. PTI
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